I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
