Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
