I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
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