I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
