So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
