First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
