If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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