There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
