I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
