tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
