No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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