Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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