you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
