Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
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