my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
