I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
