idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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