How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
