Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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