There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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