she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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