I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
