Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
