I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
