K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
