between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
