I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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