he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
