my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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