So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
