I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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