So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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