I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
