I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You don't make any sense
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Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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