My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
