I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
