Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
