pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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