My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
