he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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