Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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