It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You left your phone here
Wait...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
