put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
