Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
