I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
