guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
