Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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