I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
