his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
