Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
